I have spent most of this year ending each day, and sometimes each lesson with, “I still don’t feel like a teacher.”
I’m feeling sensitive about virtually everything. My principal sees me doing things he likes to see, and tells me so. But I still don’t feel like a teacher. Earlier this year, I made a post about some key learnings I made about myself and classroom management. I still have a terrible feeling about that. I’ve gotten better about standing up for myself and the things I like to see in a classroom, but everything feels invasive. I still can’t find something that suits my teaching philosophy. I need help. I want to stay away from things that are shame-based. I want solutions that are in-class (rather than our demerit points system which is an alert sent home that often results in the child getting caned or beaten, which is normal for Rwanda – there’s no child protective services here). I don’t know how to accomplish these things. I don’t feel like a teacher. I’ve done research into ways to talk less in classrooms and make things student-centered. I’ve researched a million different ways to build reward systems or graduated response systems for middle school classroom management. I’m currently using a system where my table groups earn points for an extra reward at the end of the week, and the class as a whole earns a chunk of free time at the end of the week. Individuals who repeatedly cause problems get demerit points. That’s the bit that bothers me. Otherwise, my students are more or less happy with the group rew_ard system we have going. But I still don’t feel like a teacher. Not to get bogged down in the numbers, but my class averages all hover in the high fifty percent range. I do reteach, and I do offer opportunities to re-do assignments based on feedback. A handful of students do take these opportunities. Some of my colleagues have noticed a trend where students have high confidence but low ability, so they leave assignments and exams thinking they did well when that’s not the case. It’s hard to combat, and with the pressure to complete the IGCSE and IB curriculum, it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of time for do-overs. I don’t feel like a teacher. I get sensitive about my teaching strategies. Just this morning, my principal made the observation that things seem to be frequently varied in my classes. I have tried to introduce some new things. I finally eased my students into some cooperative learning structures, though keeping them focused on the task at hand is still difficult. Sometimes races to complete/add the most to discussion motivates some groups I teach. To me, though, in any case, it feels like a long monotony of doing the same things. I don’t know how to bring literature to life! Most posts I’ve found try to make fun in the way of annotating texts with different colors and sticky notes, but when the whole year is comprised of such activities, it gets boring. I need help. I don’t feel like a teacher. I think back to all the things we learned in the bright optimism of our education classes. I think back to PS1, when I had hours to pour over planning one lesson, and to track all kinds of little assessments. I think back to all my teachers, who seemed to have it together. I see my colleagues doing great things, and making important discoveries about their practice. I don’t feel like a teacher. I realize that I am probably being hard on myself. I fear that if I don’t build everything I want now, I’ll sink into that category of teachers that is “old school” but definitely not cool. I realize that comparison can be a dangerous thing. Still, I can’t help but add up all these reasons I don’t feel like a teacher, and come to the terrifying conclusion that maybe I’m not meant to be a teacher. Does wanting this and loving this my whole life mean that I am less entitled if I have no ability? I don’t know. The simple solution to all of this would be to stop adding, to focus on constructive ways to build myself and my practice up. It’s just incredibly hard to be resilient when the experience in the classroom is yours and no other teacher’s, and you lack perspective and objectivity. I teach in a school which has not embraced cooperative learning, and which has limited resources in the way of technology and just about everything else except lined paper. I’ve had over ten new students join my classes in the last few months. I haven’t had a proper professional development activity in a very long time. I feel like my personality is sometimes stretched or awkward in the classroom, but not in the fun quirky way. I don’t feel like a teacher. The small silver lining is that I have managed to build positive relationships with many of the students in my classes, and a few outside my classes. There is plenty of positive interaction, and I can tell that these students trust me and are slightly motivated to work for me (motivation is a big problem in this school). These interactions, which are quite frequent, make me grateful to be a teacher. But I still don’t feel like a teacher.
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Meagan Fullerton-LeeMeagan is an aspiring teacher, voracious reader, tentative motorcyclist, and passionate gardener. In all things she sees education. Here she shares her passions. Archives
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